Merry Christmas Daddy

My dad passed away 11 years ago on Tuesday, December 13. It has been a long, difficult, emotionally challenging 11 years full of heartbreak and discovering who I am. I have been to the bottom and am finally working my way out of the pit of hell, literally in some aspects. I hope someday my life can reflect the woman my daddy would be proud of and the woman he dreamed I would become. I am pretty sure I have failed him so far, but I hope that when I see him again in Heaven he will be proud of how far I have come in life. Even though I have strayed far, he was always an inspiration, an image of someone I dreamed someday I could be like. Maybe now that I am changing there is still a chance I could be like my dad. And maybe someday when I see him again he will not be disappointed in me, like I fear so many nights.
Merry Christmas Daddy! I will always love you, and I will never forget the legacy you left behind.

Conflict Between 2 Jobs

I just realized I never finished posting about how my job interviews turned out. Well I got both of the jobs! Except I had already officially started working for Target before I knew I got the job at the Brea Library, so unfortunately the Library was not willing to work with my Target schedule and decided to pursue someone with a more open/consistent work schedule. I was really bummed about the Library job since working in the library is what I would love to do, but now that I have worked for Target for a month I am really enjoying my job there, the experience I am acquiring, and the people I have met.

I still miss the Library job, but, as my husband pointed out, who knows maybe I can still work at a library in the future. Who knows what God has in store for me! I am thinking of looking at some of the state and city college libraries around my area come the new year to see if they are hiring because their libraries are bigger and I would not put everyone out of their jobs like I could have if I worked at the Brea Library. ;)

Until then I am enjoying the experience I am gaining at Target. I can almost actually count change finally! lol ;) It is an exhausting job at times, that is for sure, but getting paid is definitely worth it when you have so little money. The only problem is I have to be extra amazing right now because January 15, 2012 is when I will find out if I am hired on as an actual, non-temporary employee of Target or if I am let go and on the hunt once again for another job, which I really do not want to have to do. So until I am told otherwise I am putting my heart into this job and focusing on being amazing so they will see what a benefit I can be to their company. Come January I will give you an update on how things turnout. I pray that God allows me to stay on and if not He opens a new door to a new job that He has laid out for me. It is all in His hands how my job future turns out.

I Am Thankful For...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! (Even though it is a few days late :)

Thanksgiving is, and always will be, my favorite holiday. I just love that there is a holiday not centered around gifts or something momentous like a war or Independence day, not that those are bad things to celebrate but the stress sometimes is too much and takes away the joy the holiday should bring to someone's day. Thanksgiving is just a day where we as a nation can celebrate the simple act of being grateful for all that we have in life already, praise God for how far we have made it over the past year, and maybe even give of ourselves to someone else in need.

At Seacoast Grace, where I go to church, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving our Pastor encouraged us to think of what we are grateful and thankful for the most. In my opinion it was one of the best services I have ever been to in a LONG TIME! It was down to earth, practical, and applicable. I suggest you listen to the sermon, or any of the sermons, because they are quite good. Here is the link to the Thanksgiving sermon in case you are interested: http://seacoastgrace.org/messages/tips_for_thanksgiving/ One of the things he did was have us take time in church to list the top 20 things that came to mind that we are thankful for in our life today. So, listed below in no specific order are my 20 things that I am thankful for the most this year:

1.  My Husband, who gives me more chances than I deserve
2. My Baby, Princess, My Cat, My Best Friend
3. Having a job, even though it is just a Seasonal Position
4. Second, Third, Fourth Chances in life I do not deserve
5. A Loving, Forgiving God who never gave up on me even when I gave up on Him
6. A roof over my head
7. My Daddy, who has inspired & driven me, even in death, to be a better, godly person that this world desperately needs
8. My Crazy, Messed Up, Loving, Caring Family, especially My Mother who does not give herself enough credit & My Brother who I has saved my life countless times without knowing it
9. A Reliable Car
10. Amazing friends that love me even when I have betrayed & used them
11. My Small Group at Seacoast Grace, they are my life ring that God threw my way when I could swim no farther on my own
12. No Serious Health Issues that require a Doctor
13. My $10,000 CD that helped my husband & I make it through a year of marraige
14. My Professor Dr. Lister & his wife
15. Seacoast Grace Women's Events, never before have I felt so at home in a room full of strangers
16. Hot Water
17. Living in CA, I may not like it but I am blessed to be here
18. A Free Country where I can express my thoughts, vote, read my Bible, & pray
19. Having enough money to pay off my tuition & thus only having Ben's loans for Biola
20. My Boots that keep my feet warm

We as humans are by nature negative people. It took me writing down what I was thankful for, not an easy task at first by the way, for me to think of all I have to be grateful for in my life. I was amazed at how just the act of writing down what I was grateful for turned my negative attitude into a positive one. I guess there is hope for me after all, and if there is hope for me in all the bad things I have done, there is definitely hope for you as well in whatever struggle or walk of life you are going through as well. What are you thankful for in your life? It is amazing how just writing down a few things can change your perspective on what before seemed like a bleary, hopeless day, year, life.

Hope Heals!

Today I went to a Women's Breakfast at Seacoast Grace, the church I am currently going to, and what a wonderful time of fellowship with a new friend of mine and a chance to hear Katherine Wolf speak of her victory over a brain stem stroke that could alone be contributed to God. I encourage you to check out her website! www.hope-heals.com

She gave us 4 things to think about, her new motto for life after the tragedy in her life that she now sees as a blessing:

1. Hope While You Cope

    -My hope & my faith are not dependent on my circumstances

2. Heal in Your Home

    -Create an atmosphere at home that encourages you to work toward a better future

3. Don't Wait to Celebrate!

     -Tomorrow is Uncertain, so Celebrate Today!
     -Find a reason to celebrate even what you may consider "the little achievements"
4. Too Blessed to be Bitter
     -Bad things happen and life is full of suffering, but find the ways you are blessed in those struggles
     -Thank God for blessing you with the chance to help someone else who is going through similar struggles
     -See this as your chance to turn your hurt into someone else's help

I see these four points as a new challenge for my life. It is so true that we never know how much time we have on this earth. We need to spend that time rejoicing in the blessings God has given in our lives and embrace the moment to share those blessings with those around us. Life is too short to waste it. I want to Live Life! And I can rest assured that with God there will be "a blessing in every storm" because "for some reason God wanted these trials to happen, and He is working them for His good." And to discover that reason, my friends, is something to live for!

2 Job Interviews

I had basically given up on getting a job, really I had. It has been 5 months since Biola globally terminated me, and every job I applied to never got back to me. I was so relieved, and overwhelmed, when I got 2 calls for 2 different interviews on, of course, the same day. At least all the stress was at once not over a period of a week. Now that I have had the interviews, most nerve wracking thing ever!!!, I just have to wait to hear back from the employers. I just hope I get one of the jobs. It is so difficult to survive on basically nothing and wonder each month if we will be able to pay rent or not. So the next couple of days are all up to God and whether he wants me to have these jobs or not. Update later! :)

Pure Laziness My Friends...

   I find it difficult to keep a journal when there are so many thoughts going on in my head. I would love to write about them but I can never figure where to start, so I never do. Terrible excuse I know, but that is me, always coming up with excuses after excuses of why I should not do something, or more like why I cannot do something.
   Like just the other day my excuse for not putting the laundry away was because it was too hot. For not eating I said there was no food to eat, when really there was probably at least something I could throw together. When I do not want to exercise it is because I am too tired. And when it comes to this blog it is because I do not know what to say, and my computer takes too long to load, but I cannot go to another computer because i no longer remember my password so there would be no way for me to login.
   But when I actually ponder these things it all comes down to the fact that I am lazy. I make excuses because i am a "bump on a log," as my mother used to call me. I was too lazy to stand long enough to hang some clothes, too lazy to make the effort to put peanut butter and jelly on bread to create a sandwich, too lazy to get up early to make life healthier for me, and too lazy to wait 30 minutes to turn on my computer, open the internet, and get to my blog site.
   Yes, it is true that I have too many thoughts to get them all out at once onto paper, but that is just another example of my laziness at not taking the time to sort through my thoughts to find a topic that might remotely interest anyone! I am not even sure I am interested in what I am writing right now! But hey, it is a good place to start and at least I am writing something. :)
   So until tomorrow I am going to dream of my laziness and hope the solution just appears in the swirling colors of my sleep. Maybe then I will make the effort to turn this blase blog into something profound, beautiful, and a gripping page turner that someone besides my lonely self will want to read.

Frustrating Past Month

After a month of no internet I am back! It makes it super frustrating to just have started a blog and then two weeks later your internet cuts out for a month. It's been a long month full of excitement, laughter, and heartache, all of which I would love to share at some point. I just wanted to post something real quick with an update on my disappearance. This month has given me a chance to think and really consider what direction I would like this blog to go in. I am glad to be back and soon I will start posting again.

Decision #1 =D

So it has been awhile, thus this blog is long so I apologize. I hope you will still read to the end. The ironic thing is that I couldn't decide what to write about to write another blog. Talk about Indecisiveness!!! :P

But I have come to a decision, in more than one way, I have decided what to write about and made another big decision in my life.

Here is the background: About 3 1/2 years ago I began taking Prilosec, a medicine used to help those with Acid Reflux. In my personal opinion it is a drug, bad for your system and bad for your morale. Well about a year ago I ran out and had to go 2 days without it, just 2 days, and in those 2 days I had withdrawals from the medication that scared me. (This was before the medication was available over the counter.) I thought at one point after throwing up that I was going to die from the excruciating pain in my stomach. Who knew that something that was supposed to help could have such a horrible side affect when one stopped taking the pills. Yet I was too dependent on it and when I got more medication I immediately started taking it again, swearing I would never run out again so I would not have to stop taking it. I became paranoid, always refilling days in advance to make sure I was never without.

 

 But now I have decided enough is enough! No more fretting, driving myself insane, being paranoid. I have made a decision for once, life changing yes, but a decision nonetheless. I am going off Prilosec, once and for all!

What you may ask made me decide after the consequences of last time? Well there is this guy I work with, his name is David, and he told me that his brother and him take Ginger Pills to help with their stomach issues. David told me it is cheaper and natural, so no going bankrupt and no foreign substances in my body, sounded great to me.

 So I set a schedule and am sticking to it. One day with Prilosec and the next day with Ginger, 3x a day after each meal. I will have been doing this a week tomorrow, and so far I am greatly pleased. The first 3 to 4 days my stomach ached in pain, but I never once threw up. =) Now the pain is only a dull throb, barely notice it anymore. Tomorrow, Thursday, I am going to change my routine and go 2 days with Ginger, still 3x a day after each meal, and 1 day with Prilosec. I hope by the end of May or mid-June I will have come to a point where I no longer need Prilosec. By the end of the summer I hope to only be taking Ginger at Breakfast and Dinner. When September comes around I will evaluate the past few months and decide what the next action will be. My long-term goal is to get to a point where I only need to take Ginger when absolutely necessary.

I have not done much research on the affects of Ginger over a prolonged period of time, but that is next on my agenda. I hope what I find is positive. I will keep you posted as I continue on my quest. I would appreciate your support over the next long months ahead. I am excited with myself for finally making a decision, one that will help my health and morale. It makes getting up in the morning much easier, but that is for another blog :)

What decision have you made lately? How will it affect your future life? It is amazing how one small decision can change your perspective on so many things. Decision making is hard but healthy, a life goal we all should strive to accomplish. It may mean failing at times but keep striving, each of us will get there eventually together.

Monster of Indecisiveness

One of the hardest things in life is expressing and doing what you want. There is always the possibility of hurting the feelings of others that keeps us from accomplishing even a menial task. A coworker of mine asked me something similar to that today, "Are you stating what you want in life? Stating what you want can make or break a relationship. It's not easy, but it's a necessary step to a happy, successful life." So I'm turning the question around to you. Do you know what you want in this life? Can you state it with passion enough that no one will change your mind? A first step to stating what you want is knowing you can be decisive in a conversation, placing your foot down and refusing to move.

A classic example of indecisiveness is a family or a group of friends heading out for the evening to get something to eat. Before they leave a huge debate usually ensues on where to go for food. "I don't really care. What do you want?" What a typical response. When in reality your mind is saying something like, "I'd prefer to go to the local bar down the street but I know you don't really like that place so I guess we can go somewhere you'd like". Have you been in a situation like this? Each of us knows what we want, at least most of the time, it's a fact we cannot hide, but the hard part is stating it aloud and accepting any ridicule that may follow. After multiple responses of the same thing again and again, a place is usually decided upon to eat, sometimes a completely different place because none in the party could decide upon those suggested. At this point thirty minutes, sometimes even an hour, has gone by and the precious few hours you had to hang out are swiftly disappearing. I have a friend who told me that once it took her group of friends so long to decide on a place that by the time a place was decided on they all had other things they needed to go and do, so they never made it to the restaurant they had finally decided on. What a waste of time! It makes a lot more sense to be proactive and make a decision!

Yet, I really am not the one to speak on this subject. I have the worse time at deciding things. I am so bad at times that I war with myself on whether I should vacuum or take out the trash first. I usually go with the dishes because it seems like the easiest thing to decide on. They're just sitting there staring at me. ; ) As I look back on my life I feel as if I have missed out on sooo many opportunities because I could not come to a conclusion on one matter or another. Still today I miss out on opportunities because I have trouble voicing what I want in a decisive manner.

What I find really funny about decision making is that sometimes even after a decision is made there is still debate on whether the conclusion is actually a good idea. My older sister, Rachel, and I are a perfect example. My younger sister, Bekah, is coming up to visit us. I am to pick Bekah up from the train and give her to my sister, who is at work. Rachel's work is about thirty minutes from my house. We argue/debate over where to meet so we can make the swap. I can tell my sister is busy and on a tight schedule, the two of them are going to Wicked later that night, so I tell her I will drive her to work and drop off Bekah. Rachel tells me that sounds good, but then continues to ask me if I am certain that is okay, because if she needs to meet halfway she can do that. Even after dropping Bekah off Rachel still asks to make sure we were okay with driving the whole thirty minutes to her work. Of course we were! We are here, aren't we? We decided that was what we thought best and knew that was what she wanted even if she did not realize it. All that to say that indecisiveness is an unhealthy aspect to any relationship. State what you want. Make a decision. Grow closer in your relationship with your family, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, and spouses.

I challenge you to try today to make a decision about something you really do want, hopefully a good, healthy one, especially if you are a perpetually indecisive person like myself. The result could make a tremendous change in your life. Yes, some decisions need to be thought over before they are made, but those decisions I am referring to above are ones that we encounter on a daily basis. So go, take courage and have faith, make a decision by stating what you want today, and start growing your relationship to a better future. I will try and do the same. We all have much to learn. Let us start at the beginning and grow together as we try to conquer the battle of indecisiveness. Maybe after our victory we can conquer procrastination! (Or maybe not... ; )

CA Girl Craving the Midwest

Why would I like to move to the Midwest and explore those states that have tornadoes, mounds of snow, & super hot summers without a beach? Growing up my family moved a lot because my dad was a doctor for the Navy, so I have seen my fair share of this country. I was born in California, moved to Guam for a bit, lived a few years in Washington, and completed the circle by coming back to California.

One may ask, so, those are all on the West Coast or near the ocean. How can you be so sure about the Midwest? Well, my dad is from Kentucky, it is farther East, but the quiet and calm that settles over the valley at sunset is a peace I have not felt in years! My family went back for a family reunion awhile back and I fell in love all over again. There are houses without fences for pete's sake! How cool is that? And people own huge houses for the price of a tiny apartment in California. And in the Midwest where street lights are few and far between people actually look out at the stars at night. But more than anything else is the fact that those houses can come on huge pieces of lands with rolling fields for miles. That means miles of land to wander, think, and thoroughly enjoy life to its fullest. I can think of no better way to spend a summer afternoon than wandering a corn field or sipping ice tea on my front porch.

Sure the beach is nice, but it is usually crowded, loud, and public. To afford something private in California is expensive, and not many of us have the ability to afford that luxury. In the Midwest I can enjoy the luxury of big houses, lots of land, and silence for a fraction of the price. I have been cooped up in this desert for 15 years now. I am ready to spread my wings and look for something else somewhere else. California is nice, and I am so happy for those who love it here, but for some people, like me, I have different, bigger dreams that no amount of palm trees, beach, or concrete can fulfill.

A Few Pictures of My Family Reunion in Kentucky

Hiding in the Huge Sunflowers With My Sister (in the back)

<3 Beautiful, Rolling Fields of Kentucky <3

The Forest and Lake Behind Gpa Duncan's House

The Concrete Jungle

I will have spent fifteen years of my life this summer growing up in sunny Southern California: the land of dreams, beaches, and surfing. Before college I lived in San Diego, only knowing of the lurking, smog-filled Concrete Jungle of LA. It was the place to avoid with your life, as I was told. And I saw no need to linger into new territory, not with Sea World and the Zoo right down the street.

Yet college dawned on the horizon as high school graduation neared and knowing not what else to do I followed in my older sister's footsteps and headed to Biola University. There I set my roots as I ventured into a new life centered around the Concrete Jungle. As I spent more time in LA talking to those who grew up knowing nothing else besides their Concrete Jungle, I realized to them it was paradise. Yeah, maybe I would prefer something outside of the smog-choked infestation, but the idea of staying for awhile took root and I decided to make the most of it while I was here.

It has been four years now since I started to make this wasteland into a home, and though I am far from staking my claims forever in this territory, I am satisfied with the life I have, for now. I still have big dreams to journey to other unknown lands, like the Midwest--why would a California girl want to move to the Midwest you may ask, well that is for another blog--but for now I am alright with living in the Concrete Jungle and seeing what adventures await me here.