My Chaotic Calm

It's crazy to think I started this blog years ago in the concrete jungles of California and for the last year have finally been enjoying a country sort of life in Northwest Washington. And yet, somehow the calm I desire is lost in the chaotic, ceaseless days of motherhood. I search for it in the tears and tantrums, the diaper changes and kitchen duties, the loads of laundry and towers of toys. My craving for a country calm is still ever so present.

Through my search though I think I have found a new routine of chaotic days that never seem to end where calm is just out of reach. I have found when the silent slumbers and snuggle moments occur, when I grasp the calm for a brief moment, I cherish these times so much more. They are fleeting and fewer between as Emmalyn changes from a baby to a toddler, but they are that much more important.

So I'll hold her a little tighter during the snuggles and brace myself for the storm to come when she wakes. I think though we as moms can agree that we love, even if just a little, the crazy moments our children throw upon us that disrupted the quiet, calm me moments of our previous mundane lives. I know motherhood has changed me, and though I'm still craving for my country calm, I'm cherishing the crazy, chaotic, and quiet detours thrown across my path as I forage ahead on my quest for the ever elusive calm.

A Pocket Full of Childlike Wonder

What a day my little Emmalyn! So many emotions packed into one day I don't know where to start. The day started rough again, and I blame it all on teething. ;)

You had your first real tantrum, which took momma by surprise, when you screamed as you threw your toys across the kitchen. As your tears fell you still managed to listen and pick up each item on the ground. I still do not know why you were angry. But I still love you forever.

Outside I watched you explore the elements of water as you sifted it through your fingers, dumped little containers holding the cool liquid into larger ones, painted a one-of-a-kind masterpiece only you could see on the side of the pink pool, and laughed as you choked down drinking too much water at once. Then the woods rang with your gleeful laughter as you realized a ball could go down the slide. What joy! We danced like no one was watching in that morning sunshine.

I saw your surprise, wonder, and inquisitive spirit after nap as you ran your fingers over your homemade quilt. Your grandmas are two talented women! You are so lucky to have such dedication crafted into such a fine quilt. It has definitely been worth the wait to hear your "Yay!" when Amma showed you the patterns of purple and brown with gliding butterflies woven within.

Outside again we ran around like crazies flapping our wings and calling "caw caw" as we pretended to be Eagles. I want to cement forever in my mind the way your blue eyes sparkled as I spun you around in circles and how your laughter echoed as you swooped up and down in my arms, mimicking an Eagle's wings.

Back inside we had a quick bath where you were able to be a swimming frog, splashing the water and eating the bubbles. We sang along with Olaf as he reminded us of the Summer days right around the corner. 

After a dinner fit for a queen, you and Pappy exchanged winks, though yours were more constipated blinks. You made us all laugh though. You were trying so hard! We reminisced on the "tractor" at the tulip fields. You excited smile never gets old!

As I rocked your tired, fighting sleep body, I thought back to the simplicity of this day. It was ordinary in every way, and yet the small moments were timeless memories I never want to forget. Somehow over night you left babyhood behind and embraced the daunting days of toddlerhood. I hold you to rock you and yet you are already too big for my arms.

I pray that you slumber happy dreams where you get to soar with the Eagles and drive tractors until the sun rises. I love you forever, my child. I pray you hold onto your childlike wonder, tucked away in your pocket for a perfect day when you need to remember the simple joy found in a bucket of rocks and a pail of water.

To the Lady at Tulip Town who Asked to Take my Daughter's Picture

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to recognize a beautiful, delicate situation and not overstep your bounds. In this day of technology, people seem to have forgotten the beauty of asking before taking. Everything is at our fingertips, so we go for it as if nothing can stop us. 

Unfortunately people can be caught in the crossfire of this give and take. What if my child was a foster child, and I was not able to post her picture online, and yet you did? What if by taking her picture you destroyed the chance of giving her a forever family? What if a nasty divorce was going on where the child's whereabouts were secret and the father found out where she was living? Yes, these seem like drastic circumstances, and thank you God my family is not in any of them, but I do know people who have been in each situation I described. It would be a tragedy if what seemed so small as a picture had such horrible outcomes. And sadly, technology makes these lasting mistakes all too easy.

So, again, thank you kind woman for asking. You and the other woman with you were so endearing and encouraging of motherhood. I believe you were also the same women who said, "you're a good mom for letting her play in the mud." My heart soared! I knew a bath was in store later that night, but in that moment I felt proud to be a mom of a 20 month old mud swimming, outdoor exploring, sweet smiling toddler.

As I wiped her mud stained hands later in the car I remembered your question and how I forgot to thank you. You may never read this, but I wish you knew how much your kind words meant. They may have seemed small to you, but to this tired, sunburnt momma, they meant the world. Thank you! Thank you very much!

Lost in Easter Past

I meant to post the following this past Sunday on Easter, but you know me daughter and how I procrastinate. It's a horrible habit! I hope you do not grow to be like your momma in that respect.

It seemed daddy, you, and me were all off a bit this past Sunday. It was still a fun day, but daddy was sick, you were teething, and mommy's thoughts were lost in the past. I'm sorry if I wasn't as mentally present as I should've been. You see Em, your grandpa would've been 59 years old this past Sunday. Oh how I wish you had the chance to know him!

I remember one Easter, after he knew he had cancer, we went out into the neighborhood to hand out flyers for the upcoming Easter Sunday. From what I remember, it was his thing. He took Jesus' calling in Acts to heart and never passed up an opportunity to tell another about how much God had done in his life. Inviting the neighborhood to an Easter Service was merely an extension of his calling.

Well this particular day we were at a neighbor's house talking about Easter when he started to have a seizure. His words faltered as he became dazed and confused, but his smile continued as he laughed it off. Again, my memory isn't as clear as it used to be, and I may have altered details, but the point remains. Here was your grandfather telling others about Jesus, not letting cancer or seizures get in his way. Satan had no hold on him. Your grandfather knew who he belonged to and never forgot that!

Talk about an inspiration! He surely was a man of God! And your momma loved him very much. So on Sunday my thoughts were on him and the few memories I have, trying to cement them in my mind so one day I can pass on a glimpse of the grandfather you will not be able to meet here on Earth.

I look forward my child to making Easter memories with you, whether that's decorating a tractor brownie or hunting for eggs each year. My prayer though is that no matter what our traditions grow into, we will never forget the true meaning of Easter. Easter is the beginning of Christianity! And I pray we will never tire of telling others this amazing news no matter what life brings, just as your grandfather did before you.

The Promise of 2016

A gal from my small group on Facebook posted a challenge that asked what one word and Bible verse would you use to describe your goal for 2016. One word. I like that idea better than a resolution. One word can accommodate many resolutions I hope to achieve. And, for me, one word seems a lot more doable.

At first I thought a great word for 2016 would be prosperity. I hope 2016 will be a year of financial success for my family's future, immediate family of me, Ben, and Emmalyn referred to here. But not only financially but also a time of growth as we make a new town our home and work to find our place in this community. 2015 was a year of struggles and change, but also a year of growth. God tells us that He will never give us challenges that He has not already equipped us to handle. He also says that every challenge will come with growth, and ain't that the truth! So after a year of struggles and change, I saw 2016 as a year of potential that could lead to prosperity. After further reflection I realized I wanted more for 2016 than just prosperity. I realized I was forgetting such a key aspect that a prosperous year was doomed before it even begun.

So I look forward to 2016 as a year of Promise. A year that will remind me of the promise that God made to His people over and over throughout time-'I am with you.' God has already promised my family a prosperous future if I promise to faithfully follow Him. What an extraordinary thing to strive for in 2016! Granted, I must also remember that this does not mean life will always be sunshine and rainbows. God does not promise an easy life, but He does promise a prosperous life to His followers. I must remember God's promise extends to the amazing times of life when the road is flat and one can see miles ahead and God's promise extends to the rough terrains in life where my energy and strength will be tested to its limits.

If I am faithful though, God promises to be there with me. He will not leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He will guide my steps when the mountain becomes too steep. Psalm 37:23-24 says, "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand (NIV)." One of my favorite books in the Bible is Job. For those who are unaware of Job's story I highly recommend reading it! Job was a man after God's own heart. He followed Him devoutly. The road for Job was straight with prairies as far as the eye could see. No mountains in sight. He lived a life of sunshine and rainbows. Then one day Satan decided he wanted to play a game with God that Satan could make Job curse God. God allowed Satan to do his best to change Job's mind, except he had to spare Job's life. Don't believe me? Check it out in Job 2 ! The book chronicles Satan's attempts to make Job curse God, and yet to Satan's dismay Job never did. Each trial made Job praise God more. What a testimony for me to live up to! At the end of the book in Chapter 42, verses 1-6, Job says this, and my verses for the year,

Then Job replied to the Lord:

2 “I know that you can do all things;
    no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
    Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
    things too wonderful for me to know.

4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
    but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
    and repent in dust and ashes.”

The best part of the book comes next. Read it for yourself here: Job's Epilogue

I give my family up to God in 2016 and pray for a year to see God's plan for my family's life. I know it will not be easy, but that is fine with me. I also know that I can never glimpse the full splendor of God's creation if I cannot put forth the effort to climb the mountain to the very top where I can survey the majesty He has graciously laid out before me. I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I am ready to live out the promise that God is with me, my family, and our future and is working to weave us into the tapestry of His future. I look forward to the adventures and the climbs that await us in 2016.

Re-Centered Christ-mas

Can I ask for your prayers? Christmas is an emotional time of the year for me. One of the gals in my Bible Study pinpointed exactly how I feel about this time of year. She said she wants to feel joyful and celebrate with friends and family, but it's exhausting. Another gal said how the holidays just never live up to your expectations, and we always put so much pressure on ourselves! Anyone with me?

Many of you can relate to the stress of finding that perfect gift in a store that is not fully stocked stuffed with a million people who all must be vying for the same gift you are looking for because it is nowhere to be found in a 50 mile radius. Or fixing that perfect Christmas dinner while having a perfectly clean house for the 20 people, including your mother-in-law (dun dun dun), who will be there for Christmas Day. Oh, and 5 more people RSVP'd, last minute. Yikes! I'm exhausting just reading those sentences!

Somehow Christmas gets lost in the crowded shopping, frustrating family pictures, never ending Santa lines, snow vacationing, house decorating both inside and out, endless amounts of baking, constant cleaning, and relative visiting that somewhere in there we lost sight of Christmas. I'm not talking about the exhausting, please-be-done-with-this-holiday beckoning, just going through the emotions that so many of us feel.

I'm talking about the quiet night, the holy night, the joyous rejoicing, the gift giving that outweighs them all, the mother mild who held a tiny child that changed the whole world. We need a Christmas like the first Christmas. Back before commercialism took over this precious time of year. Back when giving gifts was better than receiving. Back when communities gathered and families celebrated and life actually paused. We as a society need a reminder of why we have Christmas. No wonder we are stressed! We've let the commercialized holiday overtake the Christ-centered Christmas.

So will you pray for me as I recenter my holiday back to Christ-mas? And maybe do some soul-searching yourself? Can you honestly say your focus is in the right place? I know mine is not. I'm not saying this will make your Christmas less stressful. You will still probably have relatives, maybe even crazy ones, invade your space. But maybe instead of getting down you can remember how one silent night a baby changed the world, and even though Christmas is hard for me, maybe this will be the reminder I need to rejoice when the crowds are thick around me or Aunt Ida will not chew with her mouth closed or a family member loathes the gift I spent hours crafting.

Because Christmas needs to be less commercialized, less about what I can get out of it, and more Christ-centered. Hopefully that understanding will generate excitement that will give me the energy to not just make it through the holiday season, but to come out of it with a smile proclaiming to the New Year, 'Bring it, cuz this girl's recentered her focus on Christ-mas, and I'm not going to let anything get me down.'

"I Need a Silent Night" by Amy Grant

Turning a Tiny Space Into a Tiny Retreat

Childhood is a time for the imagination to thrive, dreams to grow and go wild, and the chance to explore what one was destined to be before they were even born. Parents have a job to cultivate and grow the minds of their child(ren). Society and the culture of this day makes these innocent lives grow up way faster than necessary, so it is essential for parents to take advantage of every opportunity placed in their path.

For my daughter I wanted nothing less.